Hillary Clinton’s “Ready for Hillary” super PAC has recently debuted a new video, featuring glossy images of Hillary from history, accompanied by Katy Perry’s gurl-power song, “Roar,” which promises to make itself the most over-played and annoying song of the campaign season.
This got me thinking - because I can only invest in Ukrainian politics, Obamacare delays and missing airliners so long before my brain craves banal diversions like a “Real Housewives” marathon - about other Katy Perry songs that could become anthems for 2016 contenders.
It seems BuzzFeed would have been all over this by now, but their hands are presumably full with their new “Definitive Ranking of the 20 Most Important Pies.” That’s real. And important. So since they’re too busy with pastry, I gave it a go. Katy’s people are definitely, 100 percent, fully not okay with this:
“Dark Horse” – If you want to play with magic – and who doesn’t? – the mystical stylings of Rick Santorum are sure to keep you entranced. Don’t call him an underdog – he wants to make poverty (and gay marriage) disappear!
AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite
“Teenage Dream” – Who’s the hunkiest dream boat in the 2016 field? Why, Rick Perry of course. The rugged facial features, the cowboy boots, the robustly manscaped head of hair, the campaign-trail amnesia – it’s all working for us. Right ladies?
AFP PHOTO/Nicholas KAMM
“E.T.” – No one, save for Dennis Kucinich, perhaps, knows extraterrestrials like Newt Gingrich. He is space’s No. 1 fan. There’s the lunar colony, flights to Mars – Discovery.com called him “Newt Skywalker.” Plus, I’m sure he and Kanye would totally get along.
(Photo by Pete Marovich/Getty Images)
“Waking Up in Vegas” – No indications that he will run, but if anyone comes to mind when you hear “Shake the glitter off your clothes,” it’s Nevada’s own Harry Reid. Am I right?
<p(AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta)
“The One That Got Away” – There was a time Chris Christie was the 2016 fantasy date, and made all the girls swoon. And it wasn’t because he slimmed down; they adored his sexy fiscal responsibility. But amidst allegations that he cheated on them with a certain bridge-and-tunnel girl, the bloom may be off the Jersey rose. I’ve still got my matching tattoo, though.
(AP Photo/Mel Evans)
“I Kissed a Girl” – Whether it was his mom, his wife, or that biker lady in Ohio, you can be assured Joe Biden’s kissed plenty of girls…and he definitely liked it. How do I know? He loves women! Remember when he asked a bunch of factory workers in Japan if their husbands liked them working full-time? Or when he told women to go buy shotguns and shoot them blindly into their backyards? Or when he said Hillary Clinton was more qualified than he was to be Vice President? Indeed, men need not apply in Biden’s White House.
Credit: Getty Images
“Firework” – Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Me neither. But no one can light up a room – or break glass – like Howard “Agh!” Dean. The former governor is actually the only explosive the Green Mountain State allows – fireworks are illegal there. But he’s brighter than the moon, moon, moon.
Credit: Alternet.org
“Hot n’ Cold” – He got close a couple times, but the White House just wasn’t in the cards for Mitt Romney. If he wants to give it a third go-round, he should just embrace his reputation as a guy who changes his mind “like a girl changes clothes.” All the tweens would love him.
(AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)
Feature Photo Credit:Getty Image
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