What we know for sure: You’re a racist

Despite our best efforts at cultural self-destruction, we have almost made it to Election Day. The “Whoever’s Dumbest Last Loses” sweepstakes strikes at midnight next Tuesday. What will happen at the polls is anyone’s guess.

Will we turn into pumpkins? Who will Kanye vote for? Will the number of possible genders reach infinity and beyond?

With so much uncertainty, it’s probably best to focus on what we know for sure.

First, you are a racist. Down in Florida, we know that because a staffer for Democrats gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum has renamed the Sunshine state the “Cracker State.” That should really help tourism – beautiful beaches and Disney World can only take you so far.

The same staffer also identified “white guilt” as progressivism’s most vital campaign tactic to win in Florida, which basically means “vote for me because of how awful you are.” I know, it has a catchy beat.

Moving on to the Mexican border, it is also clear you are a racist if you want to end birthright citizenship for illegal immigrants, which we can learn from the actual author of the 14^th Amendment isn’t really a thing, but that means you are also a racist because you can read.

And one more thing about this whole notion of birthrights: Please don’t mistake that concept as a right to actually be born. Because if you do, you’re a misogynist as well as a racist. That magical thing that happens to give illegal immigrants more rights than actual Americans clearly does not mean babies have any inherent value whatsoever.

I mean, the reasoning is airtight. Everyone gets a choice to live their truth except babies and white male Republican Christians. Or Megyn Kelly. Or Candace Owens and Blexit. Or the makers of “Black Panther,” who think it is insane that white kids shouldn’t be allowed to dress up as the black superhero. Or anyone who doesn’t cult like we cult. Please try to keep up.

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This is where we transition from you being a racist to you being a leper. Your ideas or state of being or unwokeness are so unsatisfactory that you aren’t allowed to share the same spaces as the progressive sages of the age.

Whereas liberalism used to enjoy debating you and attempting to prove you wrong, progressivism doesn’t place any demand on itself to win arguments in order to govern. There is no agreeing to disagree. There is no melting pot. There is no genuine bipartisanship.  Progressivism just wants to rule you, and having an actual debate is increasingly viewed as a nuisance to its view of the future.

This is why it is so easy for progressives to shut down your business for not baking the cake, bigot. Or to shadow-ban you on social media outlets because you don’t espouse the correct new-age shibboleths. Or to brazenly lie in order to keep you off the Supreme Court.

You are a different species from them, and they are playing survival of the fittest. In fact, this is probably the most honest part of the progressive worldview. They are seeking to transition to the next stage of human development, insane as it may be. Heck, maybe you should feel lucky if all they do is put you in a leper colony.

Because you will be made to care everywhere, or you belong nowhere. Whether via a blue wave or a one-vote margin, that’s what the Democrats promise to do. The leftist mania is such now they no longer even attempt to hide what they want for you. Don Lemon actually tells you to your face on CNN, which you probably didn't see because almost no one is watching him.

While Tuesday's outcome remains uncertain, one thing is definitely certain, regardless of who wins. If you disagree with progressives telling you what to believe and how to behave, you're a racist.