Republicans just dodged a killer ray-gun blast

Many of us let out a sigh of relief Tuesday when we learned that Kamala Harris, the first of her name, queen of the cackle and the trans men, lady of the seven accents and protector of the senile, had chosen a pudgy, pale party apparatchik from the northern wilds to be her running mate. Commentary immediately turned to how stupid this was, given the competence of the relatively moderate Josh Shapiro, the diminutive governor of battleground Pennsylvania, who would have not been the first Jewish running mate but surely could have become the first Jewish vice president.

And let us be clear, while most of us eschew Shapiro’s politics, the thought of a Jew being a heartbeat away from the most powerful office in all the world must have stirred some understandable degree of pride.

The Democrats had an opportunity to look like a normal party and nominate a real hero. Instead, they picked a doughy commissar from a frozen wasteland who is an opposition researcher’s dream.

And yet, I reject the idea that Shapiro was the gravest threat to the Trump campaign. Though his value in Pennsylvania cannot be overstated — the Keystone State was critical to the Trump victory eight years ago over she whose name must not be spoken — let me spell out the scenario that would have terrified me far more.

What if, instead of Shapiro or commissar Tim Walz, space cadet Harris had decided to beam Mark Kelly aboard her campaign bus?

At the outset, there is the obvious: The U.S. senator from Arizona is a bona fide American hero. An astronaut. The newspaper editorials declaring he has the right stuff would be predictable and a certainty. Add to that the fact that his wife nearly lost her life to an assassin’s bullet, with a headshot more severe than President Trump’s minor head wound, and the inevitable contrasts that would be made by the useful idiots in the media (ridiculous though they would be) and the blunting of Trump’s heroic status would succeed in spades.

This would also give Kelly the ability to speak about gun control in a nonthreatening manner that neither Kamala nor Walz can pull off. You have a certain duty to hear the man out on the subject as he has seen the darkest counterpoints to the pro-Second Amendment arguments up close and personal.

Lastly, while he would not have the impact in Pennsylvania that Shapiro would, Kelly is a border-state politician, and a popular one at that. He could certainly help push Arizona into the Democrats’ column. And he could also blunt the edge of the formidable weapon that is the border debacle under the border czarina.

As an astronaut, Kelly could also push the soft-sell narrative for green policies: He’s seen Earth from space. Have you? Like William Shatner after his brief suborbital flight courtesy of Jeff Bezos, he can say he returned to Earth a changed man, having seen the fragility of our home.

Lastly, it is worth noting he is a twin. While not as dramatic a first as Shapiro or Buttigieg, he is, nonetheless, a first. And it’s an interesting tale: twin astronaut brothers! Any student of journalism can explain the human-interest angle on that fact alone.

You saw the spectacle of Trump’s perfect Republican National Convention. Now imagine the third night of the Democratic National Convention, featuring a series of nominating and introductory speeches for Mark Kelly, including not only his twin brother and his crippled wife but also George Takei and Mark Hamill.

His twin brother would make brotherly jokes to warm up the crowd. Then Sulu and Skywalker would take the stage. Takei would take some jabs at Trump’s hyperbolic language, followed by getting the crowd to respond with “Oh myyyy.” Hamill would warn of going to the dark side. Both would say they are in awe of a man who actually lived the life they played on film.

Then Gabby Giffords. Kelly’s wife would tell the story not of her good husband who escaped crushing Appalachian poverty and loved her, the privileged child of immigrants, but rather the gross details of caring for a woman who has suffered a traumatic brain injury.

Finally, Kelly, a masculine man, would take the stage. He would declare that while he respects the passions of the progressives, he is a moderate from a moderate state. He, like Nixon going to China, could criticize both Biden and Harris on the border as a setup for a rhetorical kill shot on Trump.

“Donald Trump had four years to fix the border. He didn’t. But let’s be honest: neither did Joe Biden. Neither did Kamala Harris, and yes, she volunteered to take on that mission."

“No one succeeded. And let me tell you why. I’m from a border state. No one has succeeded in fixing this problem because it’s a complex problem. It’s not rocket science, but it might as well be. Mr. Trump is right to say it is a problem our country must address, but simplistic slogans won’t fix it. And neither will walls that cut right through families living on both sides of the border."

“Vice President Harris has come in for a lot of criticism for her handling of this issue, but she alone had the insight to go to where these people — these often desperate people — are coming from. We need to go to their home countries, talk to their governments, talk to relief agencies. We need to build up the economies of all countries in the Americas."

“Above all, though, we need to stop believing simplistic slogans can solve a crisis that impacts trillions of dollars and millions of lives."

“As a man from a border state, as an Arizonan, I am willing to look to the guidance from men like Ronald Reagan and Barry Goldwater, who welcomed immigrants but put in place systems to control the flow of these new Americans."

“Is there a border crisis? My neighbors in Arizona sure think so. Should we fix it? Of course. But let’s do it right.”

On gun control: “I’m going to ask everyone to take a moment of silence for Corey Comperatore, a fellow American who thought differently about politics than we do, but who was our brother, our neighbor, and exercising his right to work for electoral outcomes he believed in in our democratic system."

“What happened on July 13 was a tragedy. A fellow American died. Two others were severely injured. President Trump — a man we are here to criticize but not to hate — nearly was killed by a sick extremist."

“Let me tell you something, and it’s important all of you hear this: There was no place in our democracy for what happened that day. No, we don’t agree with President Trump, but let’s not question his love for America and for his supporters. He was adding his voice to our national conversation. And we want to win the argument against him, because our ideas are better. But we know he is a man who loves his wife and his children, and they should never have to fear he won’t come home to them."

We got lucky Tuesday, because Kamala Harris doesn’t want to be upstaged by a competent Jewish governor or a rocket man burning out his fuse up on the national stage.

“Maybe I have perspective here. I almost lost the best person I know, my wife, my partner, my best friend. She’s the reason I chose the path of public service — to honor what she started. In a better country, in a fairer world, she would be the one up here accepting this nomination, because she would have been an amazing leader for our party and our nation. But a madman with a gun cut short her career of service."

“Instead, I spent months fearing I would lose her, and I watched so much of who she was being taken away from her. That should never happen to any family."

“So I will say these words: Common-sense reform to gun laws is necessary. But no, we’re not coming for your guns. Not if you’re a law-abiding citizen."

“No, we need to fix our broken gun laws to keep guns out of the hands of the evil, the deranged, the mentally ill."

“I suspect President Trump is watching tonight. Let me be the first to say it: Mr. President, I’m sorry for any words that may have added to the overheated rhetoric on both sides that led someone to believe it was OK to try to kill a man standing up for his beliefs. No, listen to me. When my wife was shot by a coward, some of the kindest words I received were from a Republican and a great Arizonan named John McCain, who expressed his disgust, his horror, and his commitment to work with me."

“President Trump, if you’re listening: Both of our lives have been touched by the evils of gun violence. Meet me. Meet me over a cheeseburger and a Coke. Let’s find some common ground and stop using the Second Amendment as cover for the twisted, while protecting the rights the founders felt were important enough to enshrine in the Bill of Rights."

“But let’s build a bipartisan dialogue together. And let’s work to take the insane heat and hate out of the political discourse in this country.”

You get the idea. The Democrats had an opportunity to look like a normal party. They had a chance to nominate a real hero.

Instead, they picked a doughy commissar from a frozen wasteland who is an opposition researcher’s dream.

We got lucky Tuesday, because Kamala Harris doesn’t want to be upstaged by a competent Jewish governor or a rocket man burning out his fuse up on the national stage.

But lucky as we are, our ear is still creased and bleeding from that near miss.