Happy scam: Why the 'hell' of parenthood actually sets you free

Do parents live in hell?

On a recent episode of the "Call Her Daddy" podcast, pop singer Chappell Roan explained whether she will ever become a mother.

"All of my friends who have kids are in hell," Roan said. "I actually don’t know anyone who is happy and has children at this age. Like, a 1-year-old, like 3-year old — 4 and under, 5 and under. I literally have not met anyone who is happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, anyone who has slept."

Predictably, Roan's comments lit a fire of controversy online. It's easy, after all, for an unmarried, childless, famous multimillionaire to criticize one of life's most difficult vocations: parenthood.

But here's the thing: I'm actually thankful she said it.

Not because I agree with her on principle, but because it gave me, a 29-year-old father of an 8-month-old son, the opportunity to reflect on parenthood. And she's right: By the world's standards, parents aren't "happy" — but that says more about the standards than about parenthood.

What is happiness, actually?

Roan's feelings about parenthood reveal a deep assumption about the purpose of life.

On some level, she believes the goal of life is happiness, and she's not alone. It's a value that our "me-first" culture holds tight.

But what does it mean to be "happy"?

The "me-first" culture believes that true happiness is freedom. To be truly "happy" means you are free from outside constraints on your desires. Free from obligations. Free from discomfort. Free from anyone else's needs. The happiness our culture celebrates is the temporary feeling you get when you are free to "live your best life" right now. And, of course, it happens on your own terms. No interruptions. No compromises. Good vibes only.

It's a selfish life focused inward on número uno.

Parenthood is hard. Demanding. Exhausting. Inconvenient. Discomforting. But that's the point.

Parenthood not only runs afoul of these rules for a "happy life" — it's the exact opposite.

Parenthood demands sacrifice. It costs time, money, comfort, and sleep. It requires you to look beyond yourself and to put the needs of others before your own. As a parent, I don't get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. On the contrary, I serve my family, and that requires me to consider their needs, wants, and desires before my own.

So yes, by Roan's definition of happiness, I am not "happy."

But I am deeply fulfilled, joyful, and content. Anchored to something truly good.

There is nothing better than seeing my son light up with laughter. The joy of watching him grow is a joy I did not know before he was born.

I am not a parent for myself. I am not doing this for a return on investment. I know that I may never "get back" everything that I am pouring out and will pour out for my family. But that is the point: I am building a future — for my wife, my children, and my children's children — not for me.

This is what Roan doesn't understand. She thinks parenthood is "hell" because it doesn't serve her.

But parenthood isn't about me — it's about them.

The 'hell' is the point

Parenthood is hard. Demanding. Exhausting. Inconvenient. Discomforting.

But that's the point.

The "hell" that Roan speaks of is actually a forge in which your selfish desires and constant need for freedom are burned away. When you embrace the fire, you come out transformed — refined, seasoned, and mature. The final product is infinitely better.

Parenthood teaches you discipline. You learn the value of sacrifice. You learn how to be others-first, putting their burdens before your own needs — not out of begrudging obligation — but out of love. Parenthood teaches you that true love endures.

The rewards of parenthood cannot be found in sex, money, fame, or attention. They're not found on Instagram, on TikTok, or in the next dopamine rush.

Roan calls this "hell." On some level, I agree with her. Parenthood is a severe mercy that demands suffering. But it's beautiful. It gives you purpose and meaning. It deeply transforms you out of selfishness and into maturity. And in the end, it gives you a legacy.

Just ask the patriarch or matriarch surrounded by the multigenerational legacy they sacrificed time, money, and comfort for. That's not hell. That's heaven breaking through.

Sorry in the end

I'm not mad or offended by Roan's comments. I feel sad for her.

Right now, she gets to enjoy the freedom of fame, money, and a child-free life. She can do whatever she wants. If parenthood is "hell," then Roan is seizing life to craft heaven as it is good in her own eyes.

But eventually, the tables will turn.

If Roan chooses never to accept life's greatest vocation and step into parenthood, she will end up sad, empty, full of regret, and on her deathbed, alone. Not only do studies show that married parents are happiest, but we all know someone who avoided commitment, choosing not to get married or have kids.

Their lives are sad and hollow. They bought the lie that the good life is about maximizing pleasure and minimizing responsibility. Tragically, they learn it's a scam when it's too late.

Life rewards the labor of parenting with cherished memories, deep and meaningful relationships, and generational impact. Life also rewards the labor of selfishness: In the end, there is nothing. All of that "freedom" locks you into the confinement of solitude.

That's the real hell.

Don't buy into the happy scam. Embrace the "hell" of parenthood. Joy, purpose, and fulfillment are waiting for you on the other side.